Sandy Hook

I don't know why I'm blogging about this.  I kind of want to forget it even happened but it hit VERY close to home when I heard that a crazy 20 year old went into an elementary school and shot 6 year olds.  6 YEAR OLDS!!!!  I won't go into details about gun control, or mental illness here.  That's what CNN is for.  But because I have a 6 year old I will tell you that this event has changed me forever.  Somehow I became obsessed with the news.  I cried every time I watched anything or read about a parent waiting at the fire department for the child that would never greet them.  I heard the news around noon that Friday and haven't stopped thinking about it ever since.  I wanted to pick Sadie up from school early just so I could have her safe in my arms but Chase cautioned me that by doing so I would have to explain the event to Sadie and I didn't want to scare her.  When Marty dropped her off that afternoon I was waiting and practically ripped her out of her car seat.  She asked me why I was crying and I told her it was because I missed her.  I never greet her like that after school so she was of course suspicious but the longer I can keep her innocence intact, the better.   

We had the Ward Christmas Party that night and we were on the brink of not even going because I was so distraught.  I couldn't imagine celebrating on such a day.  I felt like taking down all the Christmas decorations because it almost seemed wrong to find joy in anything when so many families were suffering.  Chase is the best husband.  He held me when I cried, banned me from watching CNN and told me that the best way to be happy is to serve others and the Ward Christmas Party was a service project for other families.  He was totally right.  Once I started wrapping presents for others and thinking less about myself and my 6 year old, I felt a little better. 

Chase went to Utah the next morning and took George with him to Grandma Phyllis' funeral.  I have a hard time when he travels anyway but I just wanted my family together.  I feel so incredibly vulnerable being a wife and a mother.  So many people that have places in my heart.  I read somewhere that having children is like watching your heart walk around outside your body.  I always look at my children every night before I go to bed, but now I stare at them and get choked up when I see Sadie's precious face dreaming away.  How could someone possibly harm such innocence?

I went over to Amy's house to decorate cookies and cried there too.   I even felt sorrow for being so sad because it's not like my child was killed.  I guess I just internalize things too much sometimes.  I kind of feel like the sister on the Life of Bees that couldn't deal with sad events.  Amy was so sweet to put up with me.  I guess I just needed to talk about it and Amy was my therapist that day.   Having Chase gone was difficult because I just couldn't shake the sad feelings and I missed my sweet George.  He took him so I wouldn't be overwhelmed with all the piano musical numbers I had that weekend.  It was helpful but there's nothing like having all your loved ones surrounding you.

So even though this horrible event is past us and I'm not nearly as emotional I'm still staying away from CNN and anything that deals with the shooting.  I won't even see Les Mis because it's a sad movie and I'm trying to surround myself with positive, uplifting thoughts.  Sadie said she heard a voice in her head the other day and thinks it was Jesus.  She asked him when he was coming and he responded "May 14." When she told me this I worried a little she might be going schizo on me but after talking to her more about it I truly hope Jesus did visit her that day.  Because the way this world is going it wouldn't be so bad to have it all wrap up on May 14.  A thousand years of peace is sounding pretty good these days.